I'm three and a half years into this thing called marriage so I'm no expert but I've learned a few things along the way from my own marriage and from things I've heard from other couples. You may not agree with me, but as more and more of my friends start to get married and I hear of more and more couples start to struggle after years of marriage, I wanted to share my two cents on the subject. First and foremost, (I didn't put this in the 10 reasons because in my opinion, it should be a given) always, always, always put God at the center of your marriage. Pray together and work towards a better relationship with Christ together. That being said, here are ten lessons I've learned about marriage.
1) LOVE IS A CHOICE. I learned this from a young age. In middle school, I would jump from liking one guy to another guy in one week and yet another that following week, so I decided that I was going to like one guy for 6 months. I was going to focus my attention on one guy because my friends kept making fun of me for always liking a new guy each week. So, I put my mind to it, flirted like any awkward middle school girl would, and eventually got him to ask me to the Friday night football game. He asked me on a Monday and, as you can imagine, I was a nervous mess that whole week leading up to the game. I spent months liking this guy and I finally got a date (well, the only date I was allowed to have which entailed waving to my dad in the football stands every 10 minutes or so)! Friday finally arrived and it was time for the game to start. At this time in my life, we didn't have cell phones, so the plan was to meet at the flagpole at the front of the football stadium entrance. He showed up, said he was joking about the date, and walked away. I went home that night, locked my door, hung a note on the outside (because that's what dramatic middle school girls do), and cried myself to sleep that night. That's a sad story, yes, but I learned a lot from it. I invested so much time into trying to get this guy to like me. I chose to invest. I chose to make the initial feelings I had grow deeper as I tried to get to know this guy more. In the end, he didn't care, but I did because of how much I invested.
Love is a choice in marriage too. You choose to invest in your spouse. You choose to invest in your marriage. The more choices (whether conscious or subconscious) you make to do things other than invest in your spouse, creates wedges in the relationship. I know that cleaning up dinner after my husband cooks (I suck at cooking so I let him cook and he enjoys it) is a nice gesture. I have to make the choice to get off my butt, grab the dishes, and clean them. Yes, we both had long days. No, I don't want to do the dishes. I hate doing dishes, but I'm choosing to show love towards my husband. I make these small choices all day, every day because I want to invest in my husband.
2) OPEN COMMUNICATION IS KEY. Clay, my husband, and I learned that open communication is key before we even got married. We were going through this book called "101 Questions to Ask Before you get Engaged". There were a lot of deep questions in this book, but deep questions are easy to avoid if the person you're talking to doesn't know you have something to hide. Both of us had a secret from our past that we hadn't told anyone, ever. We made it about 50 questions in before we both realized that our secrets were eating us alive because a lot of the questions were the same just worded differently and we had been avoiding our answers pretty well. Neither of us knew the other one was holding a secret. Clay took the plunge first and opened up about his secret he was holding. I went next. We both thought the other would judge us. We both thought, "This is going to end us." Instead of either of us reacting badly, we both just talked it through with the other. To this day, we talk about everything. We have no secrets even with the small things. We hide nothing because even hiding something small can eventually turn big and we would rather nip it in the bud while we can.
3) YOU HAVE TO LAUGH. This is huge!!! If you can't laugh with your spouse, you're doing something wrong and I honestly believe that. I laugh with Clay every day. We both have weird quirks about us and instead of getting annoyed by each other, we try to laugh about it. Sometimes, that's easier said than done. I mean, seriously, does he HAVE to chug his drink THAT loudly?! Clay has started going into another room if he's so thirsty he wants to chug his drink. He comes back smiling because he's proud of himself for remembering. This makes me laugh because he's so silly. You have to turn the little things into funny things because if you don't, you'll go crazy. So we laugh about it.
4) HIS PARENTS ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOURS. I knew this from day one but only because I had seen other marriages where the wife always favored her parents or the husband always favored his. Now, I still go to my mom for girl talk most of the time and I still go to my dad for fitness advice and car stuff if Clay's busy or whatnot, and I think that's totally fine because they're my parents. But, the line needs to be drawn at always choosing one set of parents over the other to watch your kids or come over for dinner. I feel like I'm okay at this; I could definitely be better though. My main concern is that I don't want my kids (in the future, since I currently have just one on the way) to favor my parents over Clay's because I do. I want my kids to love both sets of grandparents the same or at least see them the same amount. I know there are exceptions like if the husband's parents or wife's parents are a harm to the children. That's different, but if both sets of parents are fully able and not a harm to your kids, then the kids should have the privilege to know both sets of their grandparents equally.
5) GRACE AND FORGIVENESS HAVE TO BE PRESENT. The fact of the matter is that you will mess up in marriage; both of you will. It's not an if you mess up, it's a when you mess up. It may not be something horrible. Maybe you got extra money from a side job (cleaning houses, watching someone's kids, helping someone move, etc.) and you decide not to tell your husband or wife because you want to keep it for yourself. I've been there. I felt so guilty that a week later, I told my husband. He didn't get mad although he was upset. He was gracious. He said he forgave me and then we came up with a plan so I wouldn't do that again. Some of you may be thinking that's so dumb. It wasn't much money. Let me refer you to lesson #2. The little things that you keep from each other could eventually be the big things. Me withholding money was selfish and, although, insignificant, I had essentially lied to my husband about how much I made. It could have been something bigger and we have both messed up in much bigger ways in our marriage, but because we are both so willing to offer forgiveness and grace, we aren't afraid to confess the next time we mess up. Maybe next time it won't be a small amount of money. Next time it could be one of us struggling with lust or greed or pride. Whatever it is, we will mess up again. At least the next time I mess up, I'll know that my husband is gracious and doesn't hold things against me but wants to help me overcome my shortcomings. This is so crucial to marriage. Be gracious. Forgive. And don't hold it against the other person.
Part two will be coming shortly with reasons 6 through 10. Have a happy marriage!
1) LOVE IS A CHOICE. I learned this from a young age. In middle school, I would jump from liking one guy to another guy in one week and yet another that following week, so I decided that I was going to like one guy for 6 months. I was going to focus my attention on one guy because my friends kept making fun of me for always liking a new guy each week. So, I put my mind to it, flirted like any awkward middle school girl would, and eventually got him to ask me to the Friday night football game. He asked me on a Monday and, as you can imagine, I was a nervous mess that whole week leading up to the game. I spent months liking this guy and I finally got a date (well, the only date I was allowed to have which entailed waving to my dad in the football stands every 10 minutes or so)! Friday finally arrived and it was time for the game to start. At this time in my life, we didn't have cell phones, so the plan was to meet at the flagpole at the front of the football stadium entrance. He showed up, said he was joking about the date, and walked away. I went home that night, locked my door, hung a note on the outside (because that's what dramatic middle school girls do), and cried myself to sleep that night. That's a sad story, yes, but I learned a lot from it. I invested so much time into trying to get this guy to like me. I chose to invest. I chose to make the initial feelings I had grow deeper as I tried to get to know this guy more. In the end, he didn't care, but I did because of how much I invested.
Love is a choice in marriage too. You choose to invest in your spouse. You choose to invest in your marriage. The more choices (whether conscious or subconscious) you make to do things other than invest in your spouse, creates wedges in the relationship. I know that cleaning up dinner after my husband cooks (I suck at cooking so I let him cook and he enjoys it) is a nice gesture. I have to make the choice to get off my butt, grab the dishes, and clean them. Yes, we both had long days. No, I don't want to do the dishes. I hate doing dishes, but I'm choosing to show love towards my husband. I make these small choices all day, every day because I want to invest in my husband.
2) OPEN COMMUNICATION IS KEY. Clay, my husband, and I learned that open communication is key before we even got married. We were going through this book called "101 Questions to Ask Before you get Engaged". There were a lot of deep questions in this book, but deep questions are easy to avoid if the person you're talking to doesn't know you have something to hide. Both of us had a secret from our past that we hadn't told anyone, ever. We made it about 50 questions in before we both realized that our secrets were eating us alive because a lot of the questions were the same just worded differently and we had been avoiding our answers pretty well. Neither of us knew the other one was holding a secret. Clay took the plunge first and opened up about his secret he was holding. I went next. We both thought the other would judge us. We both thought, "This is going to end us." Instead of either of us reacting badly, we both just talked it through with the other. To this day, we talk about everything. We have no secrets even with the small things. We hide nothing because even hiding something small can eventually turn big and we would rather nip it in the bud while we can.
3) YOU HAVE TO LAUGH. This is huge!!! If you can't laugh with your spouse, you're doing something wrong and I honestly believe that. I laugh with Clay every day. We both have weird quirks about us and instead of getting annoyed by each other, we try to laugh about it. Sometimes, that's easier said than done. I mean, seriously, does he HAVE to chug his drink THAT loudly?! Clay has started going into another room if he's so thirsty he wants to chug his drink. He comes back smiling because he's proud of himself for remembering. This makes me laugh because he's so silly. You have to turn the little things into funny things because if you don't, you'll go crazy. So we laugh about it.
4) HIS PARENTS ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOURS. I knew this from day one but only because I had seen other marriages where the wife always favored her parents or the husband always favored his. Now, I still go to my mom for girl talk most of the time and I still go to my dad for fitness advice and car stuff if Clay's busy or whatnot, and I think that's totally fine because they're my parents. But, the line needs to be drawn at always choosing one set of parents over the other to watch your kids or come over for dinner. I feel like I'm okay at this; I could definitely be better though. My main concern is that I don't want my kids (in the future, since I currently have just one on the way) to favor my parents over Clay's because I do. I want my kids to love both sets of grandparents the same or at least see them the same amount. I know there are exceptions like if the husband's parents or wife's parents are a harm to the children. That's different, but if both sets of parents are fully able and not a harm to your kids, then the kids should have the privilege to know both sets of their grandparents equally.
5) GRACE AND FORGIVENESS HAVE TO BE PRESENT. The fact of the matter is that you will mess up in marriage; both of you will. It's not an if you mess up, it's a when you mess up. It may not be something horrible. Maybe you got extra money from a side job (cleaning houses, watching someone's kids, helping someone move, etc.) and you decide not to tell your husband or wife because you want to keep it for yourself. I've been there. I felt so guilty that a week later, I told my husband. He didn't get mad although he was upset. He was gracious. He said he forgave me and then we came up with a plan so I wouldn't do that again. Some of you may be thinking that's so dumb. It wasn't much money. Let me refer you to lesson #2. The little things that you keep from each other could eventually be the big things. Me withholding money was selfish and, although, insignificant, I had essentially lied to my husband about how much I made. It could have been something bigger and we have both messed up in much bigger ways in our marriage, but because we are both so willing to offer forgiveness and grace, we aren't afraid to confess the next time we mess up. Maybe next time it won't be a small amount of money. Next time it could be one of us struggling with lust or greed or pride. Whatever it is, we will mess up again. At least the next time I mess up, I'll know that my husband is gracious and doesn't hold things against me but wants to help me overcome my shortcomings. This is so crucial to marriage. Be gracious. Forgive. And don't hold it against the other person.
Part two will be coming shortly with reasons 6 through 10. Have a happy marriage!